dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
