you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
