i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
