everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for