just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.