it was like his penis was on wheels.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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