we're chasing vodka with high fives
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
