I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Let's get the cat blown out
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
