I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
