My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
