Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
there is glitter all over my balls
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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