Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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