Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
