Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
