Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
