people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
