I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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