Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
