Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
