oh god the rape fog is back!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
