I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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