I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I look better un-naked...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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