I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
