Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
