sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you win again, gameday.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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