im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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