its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
