im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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