I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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