I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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