Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
