We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
