I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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