he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
