$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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