yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.