you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
