No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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