I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
