I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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