I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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