I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
