I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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