so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
