Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
