I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
