we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
