Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
