I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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