Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
