1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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