I met the friendliest cop last night
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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