I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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