I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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