"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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