I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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